I may stab the next person who asks if the baby's here yet. With my knitting needles. Through the eye. *glare*

Now that I'm home the reality of Chelsea's death and how much I miss her has really begun to sink in. The wake and funeral were a clusterfuck- 4 borderline personalities, all fighting to be the centre of attention. And my well-meaning aunts on my father's side alternately worrying that I would go into labour and trying to induce it.
I feel like Chelsea really got lost in all the drama.

So I wanted to say a few things about her. She was my favourite niece. One of my favourite members of the family in general, actually. She was worth ten of everyone else in her immediate family. I've believed in her and felt a bond with her since she was a baby, overlooked by everyone else who was trying to deal with her troublesome big sister. She was clever, and funny, and artistic. And punk! I never got to do her makeup for her like we planned. We had all kinds of fun conversations about old-school vs. new punk music, the merits of different hair colours and dyes, and books. She picked out my latest journal for me in about one second after I had spent 15 minutes looking, and it was perfect.

Eowyn loved her. She was patient and fun with her, taking her to the playground and teaching her the "lemonade stand" song. She was an oasis in a family of crazy, toxic people. And she had so much promise to rise above it! She was an enormously talented singer, as well as beautiful and smart. Smart with her life choices, too. She had a good, steady boyfriend, wasn't into drugs, and had plans for her life.

I wanted to spend so much more time with her. I wanted her to meet Teagan. I wanted her to come visit. I would have liked to help her through some of her struggles as she got older. When she was younger, my parents, and then later Scott and I, helped take care of her and her sister until my brother moved back to Buffalo and we moved to Virginia. There's just so much more I wish we'd had time for.

And there was no reason for her death. She had no pre-existing conditions, no real risk factors. She was young and healthy. And then she got H1N1, and she was dead within a week. It really could happen to anyone (and did, in fact, happen to two other teens in WNY). Now I am sick & taking Tamiflu, and trying not to panic as I look at my little daughter, beautiful and healthy in her bed, imagining her in hospital, hooked to a machine and fighting for her life. Maybe losing. There is just no difference between them, nothing to stop the same thing happening to her, or me.

I am sad, and angry, and scared, and I miss her like hell. She deserved so much better from her life, and she died before she could get it.

Goddess bless, Chelsea.


Don't leave me breathing, no, not alone
There's so much more I meant to tell you
I went by with flowers, just to see
The granite told me you're still gone.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.  Unfortunately, Chelsea passed away this morning.   We'll be staying in Buffalo for the funeral.

Well we are officially leaving tomorrow morning for Buffalo.  Eowyn and I still don't have our vaccinations but she is going to stay with my MIL outside of Buffalo and my Dr. said they would phone in a script for Tamiflu for me to the nearest pharmacy if I needed it.  So that's the best we can do.  Chelsea has almost no chance now.  Her heart can't function on its own, and they can't give her a transplant because of the concurrent infection.  We are going to be there for my brother and to see her one last time if I can.

I can't believe this is the same girl I just saw a month ago teaching my daughter the lemonade stand song.  She is such an amazing girl.

I am really worried about my niece Chelsea, who is in an ICU at Children's Hospital in Buffalo.  My brother called me tonight to tell me that she had been admitted with influenza, possibly H1N1.  She is on a respirator because she can't breathe on her own, and is currently heavily sedated and unconscious.  She also apparently has some type of blood infection- I don't have too many details on that.  She's 15, and frankly, she's the best of all my brother's kids- bright, sweet, intelligent and gifted.  I am extremely worried and upset.  Unfortunately I can't go see her because I haven't been vaccinated for H1N1 and it could be dangerous for me and the baby if that's what she has.  No one knows if she's going to be OK, there's a real possibility she might not be.  She's only 15.  Apparently her doctor blew her off when she came in with flu symptoms and sent her home with cough syrup!  She had symptoms for 4 days before her mother (my brother's ex-wife) took her to the hospital because she was having trouble breathing.

UPDATE:  My mother just called.  Chelsea is doing worse.  They're giving her a 60-70% chance of survival.  Scott and I are heading up there first thing tomorrow morning to be with my brother at least.  They want to put her on another machine to assist her heart.  They said her system is severely compromised.

We've just had the first concrete sign of trouble with Eowyn and the new baby.  I happened to mention to her that when Teagan is born, Scott will be her Daddy, too.  Eowyn stopped what she was doing and gave me this intense stare, like: "that's what SHE thinks!"  I think she'd accepted the fact that Momma will be busy with the new baby, because for one thing I already sort of have been.  But this is the first time she's really stopped to think she might have to share her Daddy, the person around whom her little world revolves.  There be rocks ahead, folks!

Well, I got most of my physical baby shower invites out yesterday, mostly to people at Penney's.  All my LJ friends are hereby invited to a baby shower at my house on the 25th of October at 7pm.  I know pretty much all of you live out of town, though.  It's mostly an excuse to have cake and see people I haven't seen in a while, anyway.

Teagan update- she is still beating me up from the inside out.  This pregnancy has been much more of a trial than Wynnie's.  I look like the Hindenburg, and sometimes my fingers are so swollen that they look like sausages.  Makes it hard to knit, but you know I do anyway!  LOL  She is a REALLY active baby, something that I hope doesn't continue after she's born!  I can't believe I only have 7 weeks to go, if she even waits that long.  She feels like she's likely to come early.

Eowyn update-  Wyn is really coming into her own as a Scorpio.  Everything is a big deal and drama, from a stubbed toe to not being able to pause her movie.  Teagan better not be born too early, because I don't think I can stand two Scorpios in the same house.  Two Saggitariusses will be bad enough (that's Scott's sign).
She is still brilliant, beautiful and talented though.  Her artistic skills are amazing.  She grasps patterns and colour combinations in ways I wouldn't have thought of, and she makes everything she comes across, from my trial-size makeup to her chex mix, into art.  Scott is already teaching her about proportion and composition.  And yes, she still thinks the sun rises and sets with Daddy.  She doesn't even get mad at him when he steals her cookies!
She can also tie her shoes (and everyone else's) and identify a lot of numbers and letters, and a few names and words.  She's been able to write her own name for a while, now she's moving on to "Ally" and "Scott".  She's lucky she has parents with easy names!  I will admit that I'm a tiny bit sad that she's not reading like I was at her age, but it seems she's taking after her Daddy instead of me.
We're having some behavioural problems with attitude, as well as her continued picky eating.  I found a "Supernanny" book when I was excavating to make room for Teagan, so I'm poring through that for tips.

The house is shaping up bit by bit.  Teagan's side of our bedroom is all set up, with a crib and changing table and dresser.  Basil thought that the crib was for him initially, but now we've gotten him to lay on the changing pad instead, which seems like a decent compromise.  At least I can shoo him off of that when I need to use it.  I wouldn't worry so much if it were Tosh using the crib, but Basil is a BIG cat, and stubborn, not likely to move if the baby tries to push him off her!

That's all the baby news so, far, but we are seriously in countdown mode, folks!

I have never felt more alone than I do at this exact moment.

Slightly depressed at the prospect of heading back to the real world today.  I've got that sort of "punched-in-the-gut" feeling.  And I miss Scott already.  He'll be stuck here for 4 or 5 more days at least.  I really don't do well without him.  He's like a warm, sexy security blanket.

Also, I let myself get suckered into stopping overnight at my parents' instead of driving straight through.  My mom and I haven't been getting along lately.  It seems like ever since she started to recover from the chemo, her personality has been getting worse and worse.  Isn't it sad that I like her better when she's sick?

Alright, time to finish getting packed...

Icons picked by infinityshark

01. Comment to this entry saying 'ICONS!' and I will pick 6 of your icons.
02. Make an entry in your own journal and talk about the icons I picked!



( iconography ).

So, I made the mistake of reading some articles/blogs on-line about the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie.  It was reassuring on many levels, but most of the comments made me jump up and down and jab at the screen.  Mostly these were from the people complaining about the ways the movie portrayal of Holmes is "inaccurate".  I will address these one by one:

1.  Holmes does drugs???
-Yes, children, in the stories Holmes indeed used a solution of injectable cocaine, which was legal at the time, although Watson still considered it a vice.  He did not, however, do opium.

2.  Holmes was a methodical neat freak- why does Watson, in the trailer, describe him as messy?
-That would be Holmes as portrayed by Commander Data!  LOL  Although Holmes was very careful about his personal hygiene, his rooms were always a mess, a fact that drove Watson up a wall.  He even kept his pipe tobacco in the toe of his slipper.

3.  This looks more like an action movie than a detective film.
-Sherlock Holmes was an accomplished boxer and fencer, as well as being schooled in the martial arts.  The action sequences don't look out of line for a modern-movie portrayal of him, and are a hell of a lot more accurate than previous depictions of him as an armchair thinker.

4.  How can they possibly defile the sacred image of Sherlock Holmes with gay subtext???
-OK, I'll confess my take on this is probably biased.  If you've met me, you know that I am a teensy little bit completely obsessed with gay subtext.  However, there are a few facts to go on here- yes, Watson and Holmes did share a flat before Watson married, although not a bed.  Holmes never showed a romantic interest in any woman; the only one he even showed admiration for was Irene Adler (whom I'm given to understand is billed as his romantic interest in this film).  He cared very deeply for Watson, an affection which he rarely showed overtly except when Watson appeared mortally wounded.  In most TV shows, these things would be more than enough for a whole slew of slash to be written by over-eager fangirls *cough*me*cough*.  So I don't think a little gay subtext in the movie is out of line, although I'd prefer someone other than Jude Law!

There were some other things that annoyed me, but now I am distracted by the gay subtext and all other trains of thought will be delayed until this one clears the station.  You're probably sick of hearing about it anyway.  Time for me and my insomnia to get back to bed!

...maybe if Paul Bettany played Watson...  *drool*

P.S.  Thalassa, I will pay you in love to make manips of Holmes/Watson when the movie comes out!

So, I got my seasonal flu jab at the ob/gyn this morning and they promised to call as soon as they got the H1N1 vaccine in.  Which led me to wonder- how many of y'all are planning on getting jabbed this year?  Is it more of a priority for you than usual?Poll #1456410 Flu jabs
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 6

Are you planning to get any flu jabs this year?

I feel very far from grace today.  Completely disconnected from the Divine.  I am engulfed by my mundane life and I don't really know how to dig myself out of it.  I have been going to church the past few weeks, which helps while I'm there, at least.  And this morning I started using my Witch's Ladder again.  Maybe if I just keep it up, this feeling will pass?

I'm also planning on attending the NoVa Pagan Pride Day from start to finish, and possibly hosting a Pagan potluck supper at my house in late September.  But it all seems so far away and external right now.  *sigh*

If you knew someone hated your guts- because they'd TOLD you that- would you:

a.)  Continue to live in their house rent-free and whine about chores.

b.)  Sit at their kitchen table every fucking morning and try to engage them in pointless conversation when they are at their most murderous (i.e., before they've had their morning tea).

OR

c.)  Pack up your shit and get the hell out, as requested!


Apparently, if you're Ann, the answer is a. and b.  WTF???

This is the perspective I have come to after a lifetime of fucking up:  when you do something stupid, suck it up, own up, apologise, whatever- but don't just sit there going, "I suck, I fail at everything," and wait for someone to come along and convince you that you don't.  Self-pity won't get you sympathy, nor will it fix whatever you broke.  Be constructive.  Figure out what you did that was dumb, and work out a way to avoid doing it again.

For example:  I just lost a close friendship, a roommate (which was not a big loss really), and a job, in large part because I didn't keep my mouth shut.  I gossiped about people, and I told too many of my own secrets to too many people.  So, I could sit here and say, "well, I'm a terrible person who obviously doesn't deserve to have friends, a good job, etc."  But I'm not.  Instead I'm going, "wow, that was stupid.  I'd better not do that again.  How can I prevent myself from making the same mistake in the future?"

The source of this gripe is two-fold.  First, Eowyn has started a trend of saying she's a bad girl, and won't get to do "nothing", everytime we scold her for something.  And similarly, Gary, who is MY age for pete's sake, does much the same thing when anyone gets upset at him, whether it's justified or not.  He'll go mope in a corner and post things on Facebook about what a failure he is, which makes me want to swat him with a rolled-up newspaper.  But then, I suppose men are basically toddlers in grown-up bodies anyway.  *sigh*

(Copied from my Facebook.  This is a symptom of my complete and utter inability to be negative for more than five freaking seconds.  Gary finds this charming.  I think it's just an excess of dopamine.  Or possibly Care Bear DNA.)


1. Reading "Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair". Fabulous, funny book about knitting through heartbreak.

2. Helping Didi by transcribing notes for her test tomorrow.

3. Gary being sweet and supportive in that way that only a man who makes himself late to work to put air in your tires can be.

4. Scott being my champion against all the forces of life that seek to defeat me (aka the stuck lid on the olive jar).

5. Finally getting to start a new knitting project after working on the last one for what felt like my entire life.

I love this icon but I don't use it much because things in my life are rarely truely sorted.

I had an awesome day today.  I'm exhausted and starving, but so juiced up!!  Julia had invited me to be the makeup artist for a group of her photographer friends who were getting together to do a shoot.  Well, I ended up being makeup artist, model AND photographer!  It was so exciting.  I got to flex my makeup muscles (everyone was pleased) and I'm really fascinated by the whole photography thing.  Julia is going to teach me a little.  I got a really cute portrait of myself, and they did a whole shoot of me in just my Dr Who scarf.  I'm going to use one of those for the author photo on my Torchwood slash.  I will post some of them as soon as I get my copy of the CD!
Whee!!!

So, oddly, I am becoming known for my theme parties, which is not completely my fault. Yes, I come up with the ideas, but it's Scott, Didi, and Julia who put them into action. Our latest project, for sometime in February? A Prohibition Party! With roleplaying, costumes, gambling (with fake money), a speakeasy, a raid by the "cops", and, if Ann gets her way, a brothel. We're inviting EVERYONE, so even though y'all are far away, if you'd like to come down to VA, let me know! I should have an exact date in mid to late February in a few days.

Didi is in charge of the drinks and music, I am in charge of makeup and costume advice, and Scott and Gary (Didi's husband) are in charge of engineering and scripting. I'm hoping to do a bit of a lounge act with Didi if we can find a keyboard (part of her awesomeness includes playing the piano and drums). I will sing "Anything Goes" whilst imagining I am John Barrowman. ...Umm, did I say that out loud? LOL

And if you miss this one, upcoming parties include: a Beatnik coffeehouse, a classic Fraternity Toga party (in summer), and of course the traditional Halloween blowout.

I thought this would just be funny, but actually I think it's a little profound!